SAYING GOODBYE

My eyes are wet with tears as I'm writing this. even when i got up at 4am to pee, i was awash in grief before thoughts could enter my mind. I'm permeated with sorrow.

Today i took a final (this is how it feels to me: final, the end, finish, no more) marathon walk around all my old walking route haunts; checking out the gardens and seeing what's new on people's porches and checking out the parks i walk through. When i was here in April and May, the main flowering trees in the park were magnolias and now they are crepe myrtle.

All over Charlotte, even vacant lots; tall trees or short bushes filled to bursting with white, purple, orchid, pink, red flowers.

Yesterday we spent the afternoon and evening with Alicia and Keith. Ate pizza and watched Invasion of the Body Snatchers with Donald Sutherland. (this movie was scarier than i remembered it and very well done and  the music was an excellent addition to the tension of the pods)  getting to spend time with Keith and meeting him and talking to him was great. He is a super guy and just perfect for Alicia. They complement each other very well.

Today we are spending the day with Alicia before she goes to work and tomorrow morning we leave Charlotte heading to visit Bill's siblings and dad in the midwest. (is michigan in the midwest?) I don't know when we'll see alicia again. I can hardly swallow with the heaviness of not seeing her. We spent an entire season with her and daily too except for when we were in Asheville and  that was every weekend.  I am suffused with Alicia-ness and don't want this to end.

but it is ending. and my "escape route" from these overwhelming painful emotions is to plan; so already i'm thinking of when we might be able to visit North Carolina again; also thinking of seeing old friends in Portland. But the future fantasy tripping ain't workin' and i'm devastated.

This visit which was the main goal of the road trip has exceeded my expectations and imagination by 1000-fold.

Onward. It is, what it is. (damn it.)